i think about this girl all the time
by broliet
Summary: Jesse's absolutely, pathetically in love with Beca Mitchell. No, really, it's kind of disgusting.


**First of all, I want to thank all of you for the overwhelming response I got for my last fic! I wasn't really expecting that big of one, because that ficlet was someting I threw together in about an hour, but thank you, thank you, thank you :)**

**It was suggested by a couple of people that I do a drabble series, and I'm totally on board with this idea. My only problem is that I'm lost when it comes to prompts, etc. I have a couple, but a couple isn't going to get me very far! So, feel free to leave me some prompts! You can leave them in the review section, you can PM them to me, or you can message me them over at my tumblr (it's the same username as this one!)**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one. It's written from Jesse's POV. If you don't understand some of the references in here, they're from the extended scenes on the DVD.**

**Also, also (this is the longest author's note in history, I swear) this follows a non-linear timeline written in the present tense. Which means that basically scenes in this fic don't necessarily follow chronological order. I apologize. RATED T for mentions of drug use-not by Jesse/Beca-and alcohol use-by Jesse/Beca. I figured it wouldn't be too much of a riot if I mentioned it because in the extended scenes Jesse implies that he does it, anyway, so...**

**This was supposed to be the second installment in my drabble series, but it's well over 4,000 words..**

**OKAY, LASTLY, ENJOY :D**

* * *

Jesse's absolutely, pathetically in love with Beca Mitchell.

No, really, it's not just him being paranoid here–he's checked, he's asked around, and even though Bumper isn't a reliable source of calculating patheticness in others ("It's absolutely disgusting," Bumper says, or he says something like that, Jesse doesn't remember, okay, Jesse tries to block out anything Bumper has said, ever, the guy's a colossal asshole, "You shouldn't be associating with Bella's willingly. Unless you're going to sabotage them. With your penis. Then go ahead, spread Treblemakers good will as _hard _as you can." It's not a conversation Jesse likes to re-live often)he's had others evaluate said patheticness, too.

The results are seriously catastrophic.

Fat Amy told him he lost his masculinity.

It was devastating, okay.

But, anyway, Jesse's in love with Beca Mitchell.

And the worst part?

She doesn't even fucking know it.

Not yet, at least.

* * *

And he probably never will, considering Jesse's seemingly lost his ballsack.

Fat Amy's words, not his own, alright.

(He would never willingly admit that, even if it were true. He has _some_ dignity, okay.)

* * *

They meet because he chooses to sing to someone from inside his parent's car on the way to the beginning of the rest of his life–Jesse isn't entirely convinced his life isn't some ridiculous romantic comedy, at least not yet. But, anyway, he's excited, and nervous and there's this rush of adrenaline that gives him enough confidence to turn to the pretty girl he sees getting out of a taxi, and belt out a Kansas song at her before he loses his nerve.

A _Kansas _song.

He's possibly a little absurd.

(Or a lot. But it's not like anyone's measuring.)

* * *

Love.

Jesse loves Beca Mitchell.

He's still not completely over that, yet.

It starts when Beca tucks her face into her hair and tries to a hide a smile at one of Jesse's jokes-which was a failure, obviously, because Jesse sees it, alright, Jesse sees _everything _when it comes to Beca, or at least he tries; it's laughable, really, how fast he's fallen for her. He doesn't even remember what he said, but it was probably something about Luke's dumb face and his (horrible) dumb tattoos that Jesse pretends to like. It's almost always something about Luke, because those are guarantees to get an eyeroll, or a laugh, any kind of reaction out of Bella.

He doesn't know why Luke can get such a reaction out of her. Maybe it's that he's perfect.

Jesse wouldn't know.

But, yeah. He totally lied when he said his tattoos were awesome.

They're quite awful, actually.

But whatever.

Jesse doesn't claim to be perfect, okay, and plus, Luke's that kind of attractive that you can't ignore. Jesse's comfortable enough in his sexuality to admit that Luke is a good-looking dude, an _intimidating_ good-looking dude. With his English accent and his I-am-a-tortured-soul-please-love-me-Becky type of aura that he perpetually emits.

Beca may not notice it, how into her he is, but Jesse does.

Anyway. It also starts when Beca stops him one morning in the hallway just to yell "Weirdo!" at him, loud and clear, and yeah, possibly it's a little embarrassing, because everyone immediately stops walking to stare at _him_, like the fact that some random girl yelling at him in the middle of a hallway isn't weird, simply because his weirdness was already validated.

By said _running girl in the hallway_.

Right.

Jesse isn't completely convinced that Beca doesn't have this school's students wired to her every will.

Excluding Kimmy Jin, of course.

There is no wiring Kimmy Jin.

Kimmie Jin is a fucking _tank_.

It's just his luck that the girl he's in love with is rooming with the only other person who may or may not be tougher to crack.

* * *

If asked, Jesse can't pinpoint the exact moment he starts loving her.

He just does.

* * *

"I'm serious, mama," Jesse insists. He looks up from the picture he's coloring at the dining room table and he can hear his mother let out a big breath..

It's one of her "mommy" sighs, as he likes to call them. She does them especially when he's interrupted her reading, but she's never once mean about it. She just bookmarks her spot and asks Jesse what's on his mind.

It's one of the reasons his mom is wonderful.

He's turning _six_ this year, and even though his mom won't admit it, Jesse knows he's going to be a big boy. He's going to be able brush his teeth without his mother watching over him ("Make sure you get all your teeth, baby! No, don't skip one, _Jesse_! Toothbrushes are for _teeth_, not your body!"), and he's going to be able to go outside and play with his older brother and his friends, because he's no longer some little five-year-old.

This year, Jesse becomes a _man_.

Turning six is a big deal in the Swanson household, okay. Or at least to him it is.

He's not sure if his brother is telling the truth, but he says he got a _car _on his sixth birthday.

A car!

And Jesse used to think you had to be like sixty-five or something to own one, but you only have to be _six_.

He can't wait to take his car test.

"What're you serious about, baby?" His mother asks.

Jesse does that a lot, he thinks too much and forgets what he's about to say. His mom says that it's normal, that all little kids do it, but when his parents don't think he's listening, he can hear them whisper stuff like, "We need to get him to a doctor, Jess" and "ADD"–whatever that means, Jesse isn't sure, because he's only five, but his brother says it's horrible and only losers get it and Jesse _doesn't_ want to be a loser, he really, really doesn't wanna–and whenever he goes and sees Dr. Willis, with the cute animal pictures on the wall that Jesse always loves to coo at ("But mama," Jesse cries, indignantly, "I can't go away from them now! What if no one loves them like I do?") he can hear them talk about things like development and other big words Jesse doesn't know yet.

He looks up at her and shrugs. "I'm never going to love a girl," he says.

His mother laughs, and it's the laugh she does when she thinks Jesse is being silly.

But Jesse _isn't_ being silly.

He's being true. He doesn't want a smelly girl to bother him when he's trying to color or play with his trucks. He doesn't like girls, will never like girls, girls are gross and icky.

Not his mom, though.

Jesse's mom is great.

"You'll change your mind eventually, Jess," she says, kissing his forehead.

He giggles, getting that mischievous glint in his eye that his mother tells him he needs to stop, and wipes it off, knowing that she'll just pepper him with more kisses for doing so.

And she does.

Why would he need girl when he has his mom?

* * *

Of course, his mother was right.

Jesse's never going to admit it though.

He needs at least an _ounce_ of pride left, okay.

* * *

Ridiculously, it even starts when she tells him she doesn't like movies.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He asks, his chest tightening in his chest. He _would_ like the girl that isn't passionate about the one thing in the world that he's into. "Not liking movies is like not liking...puppies."

Beca looks at him, does this half-smile that completely warms his heart and he knows he's done for. _Done_ for. Completely. There's absolutely nothing this girl can do that would make him hate her, absolutely _nothing_.

"They're fine," Beca assures him, "it's just, I get bored halfway through and never make it to the end."

"But–" Jesse's at a loss for words here, because _who_ doesn't like movies? Beca Mitchell, apparently. "The endings are the best part."

Beca just laughs, sips on her juice pouch and doesn't say anything else for a second, and it's in that moment that Jesse realizes he truly wants nothing more than to simply.._be_ with her.

That hasn't happened in a while.

* * *

And he doesn't.

Ever hate her, he means.

Even when she pushed him away, when she pushed everyone away, he never once hated or disrespected her. He would never think to do that, because you just _don't_ simply do that to someone who you care–_love–_about someone.

He's never cared about someone more than he cares about Beca.

So, he keeps his distance. He surrounds himself in movies and their scores and Trebles rehearsals. And when Bumper ends up ditching them and moving to LA (for _John Mayer_, it's some sort of beautiful pairing, really, two assholes in one studio, making music that'll make girls swoon, truly, it's where Bumper belongs) he takes over because he's not entirely sure anyone else can do it. He welcomes the alone time that comes with it, too.

He invites Benji in, too, because yeah, Benji is overzealous, nerdy roommate, but he's also one of the best guys Jesse knows, and anyway, he should have gotten it in the first time.

Hell, Benji probably should have made it in over Jesse himself.

The dude has a voice of an _angel_.

No, seriously, Jesse _cried_ once.

That was a dark time, okay.

No one talks about it.

Especially not Jesse.

_Anyway_.

Jesse distracts himself. He has to, because there's this part of him that will go mentally insane if he doesn't. He's purposely ignoring the one girl he cares deeply enough about to actually _purposely ignore_, and maybe that's a little messed up–okay, so it's a lot messed up–but Beca–

Beca confuses him. Beca confuses the shit out of him, actually. She's this whirlwind of carefully concealed emotions and pretty smiles and there's this endless list of things that Jesse loves about her. She's unbelievable and annoying and downright _infuriating_, but he's never been able to get enough of her. Even now, all he wants is to run over to her dorm and apologize and beg to be allowed to stay.

But he doesn't.

Because there's no guarantee. It's not definitive that Beca won't push him away again. That she'll _actively_ try to stop pushing people away. This isn't all about him, he's not distancing himself because he's bitter, or angry.

He's not angry.

He's upset.

He's _hurt_.

But even those aren't the true reasons why he's not talking to her. Why he pushed her away when she showed up at his door, all pleading looks and sincerity.

He doesn't know how to deal with all of the emotions that never seem to leave him alone. So, he stays away, he gets the fuck out of dodge, takes new routes to his classes because she's mixed in with the old ones. He convinces Luke to change his intern hours at the radio station so he doesn't have to see her (Jesse is pretty sure he only says yes because he promises Luke more food and less whining, but whatever, it's worth it).

He tries.

He really does.

* * *

Jesse gets his first girlfriend when he's sixteen.

Her name is Victoria Dennis, and she's cute as a button. She's funny and awkward and smokes so much marijuana that he's pretty sure she's never been completely sober through their entire relationship. It's not a big deal. He doesn't mind, of course not. Mainly it's because he's convinced she's perfect.

He meets her in his Junior English class. She's crazy intelligent, and even though Jesse's always considered himself book smart, she blows him completely out of the water. She's crazily in-love with comic books and can launch into a twenty minute tangent on Tony Stark and why he's possibly the best comic book character Marvel has ever created.

She's intimidating. She's too much for him too handle, he falls too fast, too soon, and she leaves him high and dry.

_Literally_.

And as much as Jesse will deny it, he spends weeks depressed about it.

He _bakes_ (cookies, pies, cakes, macroons, anything and everything to get his mind off of her) and when he sees her in the hallway a week later, spider-monkeyed already around another guy, someone grungier and wreaking as heaving of pot as she does, he pretends he isn't as hurt as he is and simply nods at her.

She smiles at him, but he doesn't return it.

* * *

He's not depressed about it anymore, hasn't been in years.

Beca's better, anyway.

* * *

A few nights before Beca gets arrested, Jesse and Beca get plastered.

Well, more like Jesse gets plastered. He's not even sure if Beca even gets tipsy. He doesn't remember.

But, things were blurry.

_She_'s blurry. Again.

"Why do you always do this to me, Bec-aw?" He asks, fondly.

She's blurry and fuzzy around the edges, but Jesse still thinks she's the prettiest thing he's ever seen. Not even the rich taste of whiskey can make her less attractive to him. Beca definitely is an odd creature.

But that's why Jesse likes her.

They're out somewhere on campus, behind the trees that are just to the left of the Art building. There are no security guards over here, or cameras, and it's where most of the students come to participate in recreational activities. Either the staff turns a blind eye to it, or they simply don't care. Jesse thinks it's the first one, really, because how you can't notice students getting stone cold plastered is beyond him. It's just them now, though, just Beca and Jesse and that ridiculous laptop of hers that she can't seem to get rid of.

She looks up from her laptop, or at least he thinks she does. He's not sure. He's too busy looking at all of the shapes the stars and clouds are making.

"Doing what?"

"Blurry," he whispers, glancing over at her, and yeah-

She's still blurry.

Figures.

He's not sure how to describe the sound that she makes, it's somewhere between a laugh and sigh and it makes his heart flutter. "You're insufferable."

She doesn't sound mad when she says it, so Jesse doesn't mind.

"I think you've had enough," She starts, suddenly, and then the whiskey bottle he was clasping in his hand disappears.

"Hey-I was _so_ drinking that."

"Well, you are _so_ wasted," she makes that weird sound again. Jesse thinks maybe it's fondness.

He's so drunk that he _also_ thinks he can almost lean toward her and kiss her, but he doesn't.

He never does.

* * *

The night of the finals, Jesse's stomach won't stop turning.

He's excited and nervous and anxious. He can't wait to get up on that stage to give Benji his time to shine–and that's what they've all agreed on, too. Benji undoubtedly has one of the best voices out of all of them, and it's only right they give him a major solo. Jesse made sure it happened.

Benji's been a rock throughout this entire Beca thing. He's been there to take Jesse to the best burrito place down the road from campus, and he's been there to watch all of his favorite movies with him when Beca couldn't anymore. He's been _that_ guy, simply, that guy that's entirely too selfless and kind, the guy that usually gets walked on.

Jesse is tired of letting that happen to him.

Benji is also Jesse's best friend, and he'll be damned if the kid doesn't finally get some recognition.

But he's also dreading it. He had to force himself out of bed this morning, because he knew there would be no avoiding it today.

There would be no avoiding _her_.

Maybe he made the wrong decision, in trying to avoid her. He doesn't know now who he was trying to protect:

Himself or Beca.

It was selfish.

He sees that now, but there's nothing he can do about it. He doubts she'll accept an apology after this long.

Jesse tries to ignore it.

He has other things to worry about, now.

* * *

"Alright," Jesse calls, calling them into a little group. "I know Bumper would've usually done some asshole speech about creaming everyone–literally and figuratively–" He's cut off by the group laughing and it makes Jesse smile, "But I don't want tonight to be just about winning, alright?"

"Cut the corn, Swanson!" One of the guys calls, and it makes them all laugh again.

"Just let me have my moment," Jesse begins, a rueful smile playing at the edges of his lips. "Let's just go out there and have some fun, okay? And if we win, well, great, and if we don't, well, it wouldn't be completely horrible if we stepped back and let someone else have their glory, okay?"

The guys nod, and because they're not girls or anything, they just stand there afterward.

Kind of awkwardly.

Okay, _a lot_ awkwardly.

Let it be known that acapella groups aren't always glamorous.

Jesse learned that the hard way.

It's another thing they don't talk about.

* * *

Let it be known that Jesse's mother has this keen ability to just _know_ everything about her son.

She knew it when Jesse had snuck into their liquor cabinet when they were out of town to taste the wine that was just as old as he was when he was sixteen–though maybe one was obvious, he did put the bottle back in the wrong spot–and she knew whenever he had a horrible day at school (which was less obvious). She'd take out movies Jesse would love as a kid and would make him his favorite dinner, and would just...be there. Not expecting anything, but knowing the company would comfort him.

So, Jesse isn't really surprised when he walks into his parent's foyer and the first thing out of his mother's mouth is, "who's the girl?"

He laughs, because that's just his _mom_, this sickeningly sweet person who has done nothing but sacrifice again and again for Jesse and his older brother, and he's so overwhelmed–he hadn't realized he _missed_ her this much, that he could miss someone like that–he pulls her into a hug and doesn't let go.

It takes his father five minutes to pry him off of her.

Jesse's always been a mama's boy, okay.

"Seriously, Jesse, who's the girl?" His mother asks,

He's never been able to deny his mother, after all.

* * *

He tells her everything.

She calls him stupid.

He probably deserves it.

* * *

"Hey," Beca says, and it's jarring enough that Jesse immediately turns around.

She looks good, she always looks good, with her hair done and jeans that hug her tiny hips perfectly. Jesse's always loved that, how tiny she was compared to him. There's a good five inches between their height, maybe more, and it's always comforted him. He tries not to think about that now, though, because it's still too fresh (he's not sure it will never be too fresh, but, hey, things like this take time).

Her eyes aren't guarded as much as they used to be, they're open and searching and possibly a little hopeful, and Jesse has to turn away before he does something stupid, like kiss her.

"Hey."

"Good luck," Beca says, smiling, smiling a smile that he's never seen before.

It makes his heart skip a beat in his chest, and he _hates_ it.

Beca shouldn't make him feel like this anymore.

Not when he's sure they'll ever really be a _them_, again. Not when he's not sure if there ever really was.

"Yeah," He pauses, briefly glances at her again, and says, "You too."

He goes to say more, but he hears his name over the speakers, and the moment fades.

* * *

After the Trebles perform, Jesse wants to leave.

It's not that he's bitter, because he's not, it's just–

It hurts, seeing her up there, and not being able to do anything. He can't go up to her after everything is over and say, "Look, I'm sorry," because that won't change anything. It won't change a thing and the sooner that he accepts him and Beca will never be...whatever they were, that he fucked it up, that she fucked it up, he'll be better off.

He doesn't leave, though. He runs out on an adrenaline high to their seats with Benji and sits down to watch the Bellas.

He still wants to run.

But he doesn't.

* * *

Beca will never stop amazing him.

So, when he hears the first chords of "Don't You Forget About Me" he doesn't expect it. He looks up, moving slowly, almost like he's in the Twilight Zone, limbs and time moving too slowly. And Beca-

Beca is _staring _at him.

She's singing and staring and Jesse's heart thumps pathetically–he's always so, so pathetic when it comes to this girl, this damn girl that wrapped herself around his heart and refused to move an inch, but he loves her for it, he does, _dammit_, does he still love Beca Mitchell–in his chest. She's singing his song, the song from _The Breakfast Club_, which means she had to have watched the movie. She wouldn't be up there if she hadn't watched it, wouldn't have known all that it meant to him.

_Fuck_.

Of course, of fucking course he he raises his fist in the air, because this is Beca, and from Beca something like this is practically a love admission.

Jesse isn't going to ruin it this time.

* * *

After their performance, Jesse's this sizzling bundle of nerves.

He thinks Benji may call him a ticking time bomb, but he isn't really paying attention, so he's not entirely sure.

"See you," Benji says, and claps his shoulders, "Man," he adds belatedly, awkwardly, and Jesse furrows a brow.

"What?" He asks, "Why are you leaving?"

"The Trebles and I are going to go outside and...do something. Give you some time with Beca."

Jesse raises a brow. "You know you don't have to do that, right? Like, you really, seriously, don't have to do that."

"We know," he grins, "But we've decided collectively as a whole that no one wants to see you kissing on her, anyway."

Jesse laughs, and shoves him and when Benji is far enough away out of earshot, he looks down and whispers, "Thanks."

They didn't have to do that, but Jesse appreciates that they did.

* * *

"I told you, the endings are the best part," Jesse says, cheekily, unable to help himself when Beca and the other Bellas rush up to take their seats.

"You're such a weirdo," Beca retorts, but she's smiling while she says it, and then all of the sudden Jesse can feel that smile against his _lips_.

Beca-

Beca is _kissing_ him, and he's never felt more alive.

He can feel her arms looped around her neck, and his fingers automatically find her waist, gripping them as if he's afraid she'll let go. And he is, he'll always be afraid, because he already lost her once.

He's going to make damn sure that doesn't happen again.

"Did you–" Jesse begins, after they've pulled away, stops, and licks his lips. "You meant to do that, right?" He asked, laughing self-deprecatingly.

Beca doesn't answer him.

She just kisses him instead.

* * *

"I'm sorry, you know," Beca says, a little awkwardly. The high from the Bella's win have finally worn off, and after a very shaky promise from Kimmy Jin not to come into Beca's dorm and pop in on them, they're on her bed, fingers clasped together tightly, tangled up underneath the sheets.

Jesse can tell apologies aren't really her forte.

It's still adorable, though.

"No," Jesse holds up his free hand. "Don't apologize." He murmurs.

"But–"

"Just promise me something, okay Bec?"

Beca looks up. "What's that?"

"Don't push me away again–it, it you know, it _kills_ me," he admits, feeling stupid and too emotional for admitting so, but he needs Beca to know just how much he cares.

"Okay." Beca promises, and he can tell she means it.

"Okay," he smiles.

* * *

**So, I hope this wasn't completely horrible! **

**And really, was I the only one that noticed that the Trebles were somehow already gone when Beca and the Bella's came down to see Jesse? I found that kind of...suspicious... haha.**

**Anyway.. thanks for reading if you've made it this far :) And just so you know, the grammar/spelling mistakes were all deliberate in the section when Jesse was a child, because I mean, isn't that adorable? :P **


End file.
